I’ve been bitten by a vampire. OK, not really. But it certainly looks that way. When I woke up one morning, I had two red spots on my neck, about eyeteeth apart in width. This is not typically the place where I get pimples, nor was it likely that they were mosquito bites, because it is the dead of winter.
I’ve been bitten by a vampire.
OK, not really. But it certainly looks that way. When I woke up one morning, I had two red spots on my neck, about eyeteeth apart in width. This is not typically the place where I get pimples, nor was it likely that they were mosquito bites, because it is the dead of winter. Ruling out Rocky Mountain spotted fever (haven’t been there), chicken pox (had them already) and bed bugs (I looked under the mattress), the only logical explanation for the mystery bites, I decided, was a vampire.
“I think a vampire got into the house last night,” I told my husband.
“Nah. I locked all the doors before we went to bed,” he replied definitively. After years of living with me, he was used to hearing me blurt out bizarre statements.
“Look at my neck,” I said tilting my chin up. “Doesn’t this look like a vampire bit me?”
“Yes,” he said. And went back to reading his e-mail.
I pouted for a minute. “So what do you think?” I asked.
“I think you will probably turn into a vampire and I should get some garlic to hang around my neck so you don’t bite me next.”
I snorted at him and left the room to find a more willing accomplice.
First I showed the spots to my daughter. She agreed that they looked like vampire bites and wanted to know if I thought I could get a guest spot on “True Blood.”
Then I showed the spots to my son. He agreed they looked like vampire bites, but informed me that I wasn’t cool because vampires are out and zombies are in.
Finally I showed the spots to the dog. He didn’t have an opinion either way but he did lick my neck.
Thinking about it, I realized that if it was a vampire bite, it was going to present something of a problem for me. First of all, vampires like blood and I like my meat well done. Then of course, vampires are nocturnal and I’m more of a morning person. Lastly, vampires like to sleep in coffins and I really prefer my Tempur-Pedic bed.
On the plus side, vampires live forever ... but that means an eternity of doing laundry, making dinners and picking up drycleaning. Also, that is a really long time to have to obsess about my cellulite and bathing suit season.
Still, I was happy at least that I was possibly going to become a vampire and not a werewolf, because I already have hair removal issues, and the idea of having to wax nightly was a bummer.
Fortunately, after two days, the spots disappeared, and I didn’t seem to be showing any symptoms of becoming undead, so I decided they were probably pimples after all. But the next night, I decided to take some precautions anyway.
“Hey mom, when’s dinner?” asked my son.
“In about 10 minutes.”
“Something smells good,” he said. “What are you making?”
For more Lost in Suburbia, visit Tracy's blog at www.lostinsuburbia.net.